For most of this year, for numerous reasons, I have been in hiding. I’ve been on a covert mission to protect my inappropriate happiness, personal defeat and unraveling life away from the objectors and the judgers. This year has been one of deep discovery, deep learning; a complete inner revolution of sorts. Even before this past year, some time ago, my journey began with losing the grip on my self identity. But a funny thing has happened in the past few months. A freshness of self-actualization has descended upon my consciousness. All of the sudden I feel like I have completed the circle. A new awakening for me that came in the form of accepting my identity and my purpose, and the simultaneous construction, reconstruction and deconstruction of important and specific relationships in my life.
During all the unfolding, life seemed pretty dark. And prior to that, I clung to the fleeting hope that things would work themselves out without me really having to figure it out. The easy way is what it was, really: let the universe drive the car. Truth is, I was the only one that knew what the roadmap was and what I needed to do to get there, but I chose for a long time to ignore that. While circumstance got me on this path, it was really my core values and ideals that took me and motivated me to where I really needed to go. Which, after a long road, is the here and now.
In no particular order, the here and now is work, single motherhood, and managing a house. Don’t get me wrong, life is not all work, work, work, but I’m grateful for the balance. There are very specific demands in my life right now and I don’t mind those demands. I’ve always had them, but I really want those demands more than I ever thought I did. They are very rewarding. So since this blog usually focused on my art, Where is the art? The art is in my heart, always there, coming and going as she pleases, coming out when she wants to, as she has no pressure to perform. And that is how I feel now. I am not a comfortable human being forcing myself to be someone that I am not. I am not one thing and I am not another. I am a diverse individual full of many things to give to the world or keep them harnessed close to my chest like a newborn if I choose. And with my maturity came the revelation that it really is OK to not just be one thing or the other.
Here and now, life is full of an enormous amount of new beginnings for me.
And there are more to come, I know it.
Just wait and see.